Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The First Chapter

So here it is as I promised, the first chapter of my children's novel, Guardians.

The novel is about five children with elemental powers who protect the Earth from the Groonmaig, demons intent on enslaving humans and using them as food source.

Please try and remember that the following chapter is a very, very, very rough first draft, completely unedited. What you read is what I typed without it being altered...well except for the spell check, but I think that is allowed. Enjoy :-)


A bitter wind drove the rain down hard on the Haskin’s Estate, swirling it into every corner, under ledges, into sheltered walkways, drenching ever inch of concrete, glass and tarmac, leaving no place to escape the storm’s vicious onslaught. None of the residents dared to venture out of their warm flats into such weather. Even the desperate and foolish staid dry tonight.

On the roof of the tallest building the wind rattled a TV aerial, hanging loose where the holding bolt had come away from the wall, causing the metal to screech eerily, a soft cry of a wounded animal, in-between the distant claps of thunder. The wind caught a discard, weathered, piece of newspaper, flipping it into the air, forcing it into a contorted dance, fighting the rain trying to dump it into the growing puddle of water on the roof.

A clap of thunder reverberated around the estate, and then a louder, more horrendous crack, much closer, right there on the roof. But it wasn’t the TV aerial come free at last, but a slither of the blackest darkness shattering into the air a foot off the ground. A fissure had opened within the air, continuing to grow wider as a terrible, heart wrenching screech of sheer desperation ripped the air. And then a foot, scaled and green, forcibly squeezed through the tiny gap that had formed.

Gabrinal slid through the gap and fell to the floor, and lay in the puddle, bloodied, scratched, bruised, out of breath and exhausted. He had made it, escaped the Groonmaig’s prison and returned to world of man, only the second demon to achieve this. He lay on the ground letting the rain wash over him, washing away the dirt, grime and blood from his scaled and hairy body. How many centuries had it been since he had last felt rain upon his tortured skin?

Gabrinal breathed in deeply. He could smell the stench of humanity that infested this world. He licked the razor sharp fangs that protruded over his lower lip. Soon the humans would know their masters once more.

Gabrinal calmed himself, emptied his mind of all thoughts of pain and exhaustion, and finally let it free to search out his brother. It didn’t take long before he felt that familiar presence.
“I am through, brother,” pulsed Gabrinal.

“Welcome home,” the words formed in his mind, the familiar voice sweet in his memory.

“Do you have what I need?”

“I have the list of children,” the words brought a shiver of excitement to Gabrinal’s spine.

“Good, then I wish to start immediately.”

“No, brother, you must rest first, recover from your wounds. You will need your strength”

“I am eager to begin. The quicker we achieve what we have set out to do the quicker the rest of the Groonmaig will be free,” pulsed Gabrinal rather too insistent. Gabrinal knew he had overstepped the mark, maybe even angered his brother. He remained silent waiting for his brother to reply.

“Patience, brother, I need you at full strength.” Gabrinal sensed his brother’s concern.

“What is it?”

“They are here.”

Gabrinal shivered once more this time not of pleasure but of fear. He hoped he was wrong.

"They are here?”

“They are.”

The Groonmaig’s old enemy, the Guardians, were close. Of all the places Gabrinal and his brother could have broken through the veil between worlds and they had landed right where the Guardians were. Coincidence, or had the Guardians predicted they would break through her?

“Do they know we are here, brother,” asked Gabrinal fearing the answer.

“I have already fought them and survived. Better still I slew their leader.”

Gabrinal breathed easier. “They are four again?”

“They are, and I have tracked down their replacement, a boy.”

“When will he be dealt with,” Gabrinal hissed with venom.

“No harm will come to him yet.”

Gabrinal could not believe what he was hearing. Had his brother gone mad?

“You must kill him, brother.”

“I have another way.”

“But if he becomes their leader...”

“Trust me, brother, I have it all in hand. Go now and rest, we begin soon,” the voice in Gabrinal’s head said soothingly.

“Can I feed, I am hungry?”

“Only one human, brother, no more. Leave nothing. We do not want to draw attention to ourselves before our task is done. I will contact you again soon.”

Gabrinal, too tired to argue, set off to hunt for a victim, then he would find a place to lay low and recover before the real work began.


Sofluid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sofluid said...

Very exciting Dom!

The only criticism I have is that I, personally, found it a little hard to distinguish who was saying what - Gabrinal or the voice in his head (his brother). That's the only thing that held me back from reading and understanding it freely/smoothly (if you get what I mean?)

But yes, overall it sounds very exciting! I imagine Chapter one might open with the boy mentioned? He must be our hero, surely!

:) Look forward to the next installement if you'll share it with us! :)

Dominic Carver said...

Yeah, will correct that on the rewrite. It's my first novel attempt after all, can't expect it to be perfect ;-)

potdoll said...


yes i wanted to know more about the character - so i could really see him, and get who he is, so i know how to feel.

i did feel the initial sentences were a little long for me to digest.

i like the tone and am intrigued!

Dominic Carver said...

The brother of the demon's human identity is being kept a secret for a reason, as he will play a major role in novel 3. But I have now since decided to give him a name, so he will easily be identified as a demon.