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This post has nothing to do with writing; it's a personal post, and serious, and therefore not an easy one to write.
"You're an alcoholic, Dominic!"
I have a comeback prepared for such occasions. "I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics know they have a problem." I thought it funny, but it isn't, because ironically my comeback is true.
Don't get me wrong I don't get up every morning and brush my teeth with two litres of vodka. I'm not a full blown alcoholic, I just have a problem with alcohol. Alcohol related problems come in many shapes and forms, mine is that even though I don't drink everyday, when I do drink I don't have a stop button. I'm only 12 stone and slim (ish), but yet I have an unnatural tolerance for alcohol. Where as most people are drunk on six pints I can drink twelve or more.
I may go a week or two without drinking but when I do go out I drink until I either run out of money (very rare) or I'm so drunk I want to go home to bed. I can't go into a pub and just have a quiet couple.
I used to wear my drinking exploits like a badge of honor and I now know this was wrong. Drinking non stop for fifteen hours is not clever. Drinking until you lose count of how many you've had is not impressive; nor are blackouts, two day hangovers, making your wife cry, vomiting until there's nothing left, and realising you've pissed away £150 worth of booze in one night.
So after Saturday night out doing the usual I have finally come to the conclusion that I need to quit.....forever!
Never again will I grace the bar surfaces of Stavanger, Norway, half naked and entertaining the locals with my silly beer poems. Never again will I wake up in a hedge and wonder how I got there. Never again will I spend the day after trying to find my wallet only to discover it in the freezer compartment of the fridge. Never again will I spend another night on the sofa. Nor will I receive several days of silent treatment from the wife. It's over, once and for all. The End. Full Stop!
So as a final farewell to my days of being a drunken twat here is one of my beer poems.
I love beer,
Beer is great,
If he were a bloke,
He'd be my best mate.
Adieu.