FIRST DRAFT - PART THREE

So here are the rewritten opening pages of my thriller feature.

FADE IN:

EXT. CITY - NIGHT 

A myriad of coloured lights twinkle across the bustling metropolis.  Always busy.  Never sleeping.  Eight and a half million strangers sardined within its boundaries. 

It appears deceptively peaceful.  It won’t be for long. 

EXT. INNER CITY HIGH-RISE - NIGHT 

A tall, ugly concrete high-rise that may have once been called luxury, but is now just old, worn and dirty, like its inhabitants. 

From a distance we see a WORKMAN, tool box in hand, stride towards the graffiti scrawled front entrance. 

INT. LIFT - NIGHT 

DEXTER (53), the workman we saw moments ago, stands expressionless in the far corner of the lift. 

He wears a blue workman’s overall, baseball cap, brown hair underneath, glasses and a tool box.  A screwdriver in his breast pocket.  An ID card hangs from a strap around his neck. 

Tinny Muzak plays.  The halogen light exacerbates Dexter’s pasty skin and the dark circles under his eyes. 

A ping as the lift arrives at Dexter’s desired floor.  He exits into... 

FOURTEENTH FLOOR CORRIDOR 

Automatic lights flicker on, illuminate the pale green walls in a eerie glow.  The colour reflects off Dexter’s skin, makes him look like one of the living dead. 

Dexter walks to the far end of the corridor, halts in front of apartment one-four-five.  He knocks with a latex gloved hand.  A long moment... 

...then the door opens a crack. 

THOMPSON (33) peaks through, flashes a questioning look.  Dexter shows him his ID. 

THOMPSON

‘Bout time. 

Thompson opens the door wide, leads the way into... 

THOMPSON’S APARTMENT, HALLWAY 

Dexter closes the door behind him. 

THOMPSON

Bloody thing’s been playing up all afternoon. 

Dexter pulls the screwdriver from his top pocket to reveal a cleverly disguised syringe... 

THOMPSON (CONT’D)

Fuckin’ freezin’ in here. 

...and stabs Thompson in the neck, depresses the button. 

Thompson half turns, surprised.  He tries to grab the now empty syringe but his legs give way.  He’s unconscious before he hits the floor. 

THOMPSON’S APARTMENT, BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER 

Dexter enters, deposits his tool box on the floor, opens it, takes out two empty pill bottles and one half full. 

He lines up all three on the lip of the bath. 

THOMPSON’S APARTMENT, HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 

Dexter slips his hands under Thompson’s arms, hoists him upwards, with a gargantuan effort hefts him onto his shoulders in a fireman’s lift. 

A momentary stumble, Dexter steadies himself then carries Thompson carefully towards the bathroom. 

THOMPSON’S APARTMENT, BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER 

Dexter settles the unconscious Thompson in the bath.  He reaches into his tool box, extracts a bottle of Jim Beam and a funnel, presses Thompson’s fingers to the top, the body of the bottle and to all the pill bottles. 

Dexter discards the Jim Beam bottle top on the bathroom floor.  He opens Thompson’s mouth, uses the funnel to pour the whiskey and a few of pills from the half full bottle down his throat. 

A dying Thompson gags, pure reflex, vomits a little back up. 

Dexter sprinkles a few of the pills on the floor, then places the bottle into Thompson’s hand and steps back to admire his work. 

Satisfied, the funnel goes back in the tool box, the lid closed.  A phone vibrates in Dexter’s pocket.  He checks the screen. 

C.U. ON PHONE: A message from a contact listed as ‘BITCH!!!’ - “Have you REPLIED to the letter yet????????” 

Irritated, Dexter deletes the message, drops the phone into his pocket, picks up the tool box.  Ever the professional Dexter takes one last look around and then exits.

Besides the tidying, condensing and general improvements, there are two major changes in this version. The first is the absence of the YUMMY MUMMY.

Originally she was there to highlight the fact Dexter was trying to remain anonymous, by dipping his head so she couldn't see his face. However, on reflection I decided she really didn't serve a purpose. I feel the scene is significantly better without her and far more menacing than the slightly comical original.

The second was no longer having Dexter collapsing in pain. The original idea was that he was ill and motivated to take one last big job because of this. In the end I decided terminal illness was too cliche and swapped it for a intriguing text message instead. Again there is still the mystery - Who is the text from? What do they want? Why does Dexter ignore it? - this time I feel the answer isn't so clear and hopefully the reader will be further motivated to stick around and learn more.

I hope you've enjoyed this little exercise and it's helped you understand how another writer might construct their scenes.

Happy Writing!